I have gone into hibernation.

Someone is watching over me…

There is somebody or something or someone, somewhere, watching my every move, my every step and my every action in life. That someone is observing how I react to every event or situation that occurs in my life.

I don’t know whether that someone is evaluating me on the basis of its observations about me. I don’t know what the purpose behind this watchful eye is. But it is making me conscious. It is making me aware of my actions and my reactions.

Being conscious of its existence and being aware of its watchful eye is making me behave correctly. It helps in making decisions, taking actions and giving reactions in the most appropriate way.

We always know what is best for us if we pause for a while and carefully analyze the situation. We know the answers. But we don’t pause. We don’t take a second look. But if we have someone watching over us, if we are answerable to someone, we tend to take charge of our lives more responsibly.

Probably this is what being in family results in. We are answerable to them and we are conscious of their watchful eye. So we deal with situations in a better way.

I was under the impression that being alone will help me get conscious of my actions and bring in some improvement. I felt that when I will be alone I will be more responsible. But it’s the other way around. The moment you are answerable to no one else but yourself, you relax. Your guard is down. You are vulnerable.

You probably need to be a yogi or a saint to be able to control your feelings and your urge to do things without thinking when you are alone. As someone has rightly said, if you can control your mind you can control the world.

So how is it done? I seem to have found the way. It’s my own. And I don’t know for how long it’s going to work. Well you just read it some paragraphs back. I believe that there is someone watching me and my actions. It is helping.

-Y.

Die Young

Anil Kumar Janardhanan, Smita Sahasrabuddhe, Tejesh Shinde, Raju Ghadi...

People I knew, as friends and colleagues...no more in this world.

Bhooooottt

Presenting my first and last attempt at writing a zatpat Marathi kavita………………

BHOOT!!!

Aga bai, koNi tari aahe tithe!

Kaay ga, tu ugaach kashaalaa bhite?!

Kharach malaa ek aawaaz aiku aalaa

Naahi ga, nehemi saarkhaa tulaa bhaas zhaalaa

Shi bai, tulaa nehemi thaTTaa suchte

Mag, tu saarkhi saarkhi kaa Dachakte?

Bhoot asel! Raatrichi veL aahe!

Kaahi naahi sagLaa tuzhyaa manaachaa kheL aahe

Andhaar aahe pudhe, zaau nako thaamb!

Rastyaachyaa kaDene aahet divyaanche khaamb

miNmiNtaa diva gheun yetay bagh koN

hmmm, aalaa kulfi wala, saang kaay ghenaar, kaaDi ki cone?

Ha tula ghaabaravnyaachaa aakhlaa hotaa mi bet

Ha ha ha, zaNu kahi Ramsay picture zhaalaa Oscar la nominate!!!

-Y.

Y?

I feel like some set of people are on the top of a small hill and I am standing at the foot of the same hill, trying hard to get to the top. I sense the people trying hard to coax me to try harder, to console me by saying dont worry u'll manage someday. But why the hell am I trying to go up there, when I very well know there might not be anything interesting once I reach up there? Why am I ignoring the rest of the flat ground around me, which is more vast, more open, and more welcoming? Why am I ignoring the possibilities of seeking a new direction? Why do I insist on being a 'me too'? Why do I want to remain ordinary? Why do I want to keep following the routine when I know I dont like it a bit? Why do I stay in the company of those who are so well settled with their routines? Why do I get intimidated by those who dare to be different? Why cant I break free? Why do I want to be different but at the same time adhere to the set rules of a typical life?

Y.

Was listening to this song...

i have always liked this song. have you watched the movie 1947 Earth (Aamir Khan, Nandita Das, Rahul Khanna). there is scene then where aamir khan is squating on the railway platform along with many others waiting patiently in complete silence. there has been news that the train which was to arrive at this destination had been target of the hindu-muslim partition riots and everyone on the platform is awaiting to be witness to the gory sights that could be inside the train. its night time. and then this song starts. raat ki daldal hai gaadhi re.......... beautiful music most suitable for the scene. begins with just a single beat of some drum. later the drum beats sound slightly like the sound of a train in motion. as the song moves ahead the train comes in. its large steam engine coming in slowly slowly into the platform. as the train moves in, you must just watch the expression on aamir's face. amazing that guy is. excellent lyrics. 'saans roke hai hawaye, jaane kya honeko hai, maut chupi zhaadi zhaadi re' . gloomy mood, but its so well projected...has to be appreciated.... http://www.raaga.com/channels/hindi/movie/H000002.html Y.

When I just about got to know him.........

A little bit about my school mate, Anil. He was always known to be a sweet person. He used to always flash a sweet all-knowing kind of a smile. I used to like that. He was chivalry personified. I remember once while leaving a restaurant he quickly walked past me and opened the door for me. It came as such a surprise for me that I thought there must be some prank involved and wouldn’t step out! In school I used to call him 'kobi' bcoz I had once seen him buying cabbage at the market. Being a shy person I used to not talk to many boys in school. But it was very easy to talk to Anil somehow. Some girls used to tease him Jaanu. We were not in touch until once in '98 I suddenly received a call from him. He wanted to meet all his old school friends. He wanted to have a get-together of our class. I liked the idea and decided to help him. I remember how we went to seek permission to use our school hall for this. We got the permission too. Then we spent quite some time finding telephone numbers and getting in touch with people. Kumar, another school friend, pitched in and said he would help organise the event too. Everything seemed to be working, when one day Anil called up to say its not going to happen. No one was showing the kind of enthusiasm he was expecting. He just wanted everyone to be there and he would organise the rest. But somehow he got the feeling that people were not interested in doing that either. He sounded very let down. I felt quite bad. We still decided to enjoy that day by going out for lunch. We remained in touch for about a year. He was in merchant navy and had travelled almost to all parts of the world. Had a lot of experiences to narrate. He used to talk about his mother and how she missed him like hell. How they both were so emotionally attached to each other. He was so frank and so easy to talk to. I had not known anything about him as much as I got to know within that year. Strange. Then sometime in the end of the year '98, he got himself a new bike. He used to travel long distances on his bike along with his other bike friends. Long distances - Mira road to Bandra. I got his call sometime after valentine's day in '99 and he was talking about how he had spent his valentine's day in a train in company of some 40 plus age group ladies. Again he was talking about his bike and told me that he will come to my office and we could go for a ride. Was probably kidding then. But he was enjoying his bike, it was pretty obvious. That week I waited for his call expecting him to come over sometime. He didn’t call. I felt why do people say things they don’t mean to do. I decided not to call him first after that. I didn’t. For a month. Then I called him on his birthday on 8th March to wish him. His brother told me 'So you don’t know. Anil met with an accident. He is no more.' I was speechless. His brother was 'Hello, hello'-ing into the phone but I couldn’t speak. Finally I managed to say I will call you later and disconnected. Later I called again and got all the details. He wasn’t wearin a helmet, his head got mowed down a truck wheel when he was taking a right turn out of his merchant navy college gate. This happened the same week when I was expecting a call from him and had decided I wont call if he didn’t. What more can I say. You cannot imagine the torture this must have been to his mother and brother. We paid a visit to their place almost a month after the incident took place but his mother was still in tears and was not feeling very well. His brother was being very brave. A beautiful life, gone, just like that. Did he experience everything he would want to have? Did he enjoy every moment of his life? Where is he now? What is he doing? Does he still flash that this end to that end kind of a smile?? Y

Ganapati Bappa Moryaa

He Lalbaug mhanje Mumbaicha. Mi lahaanpanaa pasun dar varshi ganapati visarjanaachya divshi aai barobar mama/kakanchya ghari girgaum la zaat ase. divas bhar kakanchya gharaachya balconyitna amhi sagli pora ganapatichya mirvanuki baghat. tahaan-bhuk visrun, akkha divas bhar tithe amhi khup dhamaal karaaycho. kakanchya gharaa samorcha rastaa tya divshi fakta mirvanukin saathi asaycha (C.P.Tank). divsaachya shevti amhi mama kade jevaayla ani rahaylaa jaycho. raatri 11 chya sumaraas, kuthun tari koni tari ordat jaycha 'Lalbaug cha Raja aalaa, Lalbaug cha Raja aalaa'. saglya gharaatun loka baher padaaychi. kahi ghai nasaaychi karan ha ganapati itka halu halu pudhe sarkaaycha ki sagle kuthe na kuthe tari ti mirvanuk gaathaayche. ganapati zasaa photo madhe disto tasaa mirvanukit nahi vaatat. karan toh paryanta tyachya angaavar bharpur haar ani phula jamaa zhaleli asat. khup bhavya divya asto. tyachya mukutaa varchya flood light mule ek veglach tej nirmaan hota. prasanna vaatto. pan rastya var barach zapun rahava lagta. dhakka bukki aste. aai-vadil lahaan lahaan poraana bindaast pujaryachya hataat detat, ganapati bappachya aashirwadaa saathi. chandichya chatrya, notaanche haar, zhannza ani dhol, gulaal, kaay baghaylaa nako! sakali nighalele he ganpati bappa raatri 11 vaze paryant fakta 15-20 minitaancha rasta paar karu shaktat. khup manaa paasun prarthanaa karaayshi vaatte hya Lalbaugchya Rajala. Y.

My room-mate

We share the house together. She is very smart, quick, efficient, watchful little thing. She is way younger to me. Slim figure, large eyes, fair skin. I make her feel very much at home. She has adjusted and adapted well to her surroundings now. She likes to keep the house free of pests and insects, she is very particular about that. But she tends to be messy otherwise. I tolerate that too a certain extent. Today early in the morning (9:30 am) I took her picture with my SLR. Lets see how it turns out to be. I feel safe in her company. She is my roommate. I need to name her soon enough now. Cannot keep calling her baby lizard. Y.

Guntaa

When life is changing too fast, lots of things happening too quickly, deadlines coming in too fast, you are not sure whether you should relax, take it easy, dont panic or should it be ok get ur act straight, handle it all. What I have realised is just this. Take one step at a time. And make sure it is the correct step at that moment. Question everything you do with a 'is this the best thing to do and the best that i can do right now?'. If yes go ahead. Things resolve slowly but surely. Sometimes its best that you dont analyse the big picture and just concentrate on one guntaa at a time. Probably everybody knows this. I didnt. Y.

Dreams series - Imagine your day...

Imagine yourself standing on your bare feet on the green wet grass of a meadow surrounded by little yellow flowers, looking up to a clear blue sky of early morning, a mild yellow sunshine falling all over, little birds chirping in the background, your children giggling and playing around you, your watchful dog standing nearby proudly swaying his tail, a steaming cup of aromatic tea in your hands, a cool breeze blowing, bringing in the sweet smell of flowers and earth.

Imagine yourself lying on a hammock under the shade of a huge tree in the afternoon sun, with loads of interesting books to read, a deafening silence, with only an occasional sound of trees swaying in a little bit of breeze, completely engrossed in reading with no awareness of time or the world.

Imagine yourself with friends going for a walk in the evening through the narrow lanes of a tiny village towards the main market, sitting at a tapri which serves garam chai and savor every sip, and talk and talk and talk.

Imagine yourself walking down a beach in the darkness of the night, with your soulmate, not a word spoken, just the sound of the wind and the waves, bright stars in the sky and the dark looming swaying shadows of trees, the cold sand sinking under your feet, and the feeling that this walk, this journey shall never end...

Y.

Y Blog?

There are a lot of thoughts that I cant just share with near dear ones because I end up making them worried but yet I feel like voicing them in the hope of getting enlightened by someone else's view on the same. I think blogging is going to help me do that. I may or may not receive any feedback, but when I write imagining that there is huge audience there reading everything I have to say, I automatically learn to organise my thoughts, sense whether I am being stupid or irrational or illogical, learn to express my dreams, hopes, opinions boldly... What I used to scribble into emails written to friends, I will now be neatly compiling in a space that belongs to me and only me. Wow! Hope this gets more and more interesting..for me for sure...and who knows, maybe even for those who just happen to read my blogs.... Y.